There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
(a quote from Beyonce herself upon accepting an award from BET years ago, praising them for being the only ones to play Destiny's Child videos when... "wouldn't no one else were...")
There are somethings in life that you go through alone - no matter how many friends you have. No matter how much family surrounds you. You face these battles on a field with you and your issue... and those are the only warriors that count. Folks can offer you advice and moral support all they'd like, but ultimately... it's you and the problem. It's very lonely. It's extremely frightening and can just send you spiraling into depression, sometimes. Some things make you want to lay down and hope to not get up anytime soon. But most of us have that tiny voice inside that tells you to get up and fight. Whether you win or lose - it'll only matter to you. No one else will really understand what you went through or the transformation that you've undergone. If you remove yourself from public circles, they'll just notice that you're back or comment on how long you've been away. Your mental integrity. Your self-esteem. Your belief in your own ability... those are your personal intellectual property and responsibility. Sometimes, no one else can help you get to the top of a mountain you've erected but yourself. On occasion, you make it to the top of that mountain, pitch your flag there and do a little (controlled so you don't fall) victory dance at the end - ready for the next challenge. And of course there are the insurmountable ones... the ones that you try and try to get to the top but you tumble, suffering injury on the way down, all the while reminding yourself that YOU got you into this situation. And the only way you'll get out of it is depending on YOU.
When you do finally get to the end goal, it's quiet. You could try to express all the baby steps that you took to get to where you are and see if it'll amount to a hill of beans to anyone else. But only you know the manuscript. It only affects you as deeply to know how far you've come. How scared you were. How at times it seemed like there was no hope. How alone you felt despite folks wanting to rally around you. How in the 11th hour, you found the strength at the core of your being to give it one last push and THAT was what pushed you over the top. How you mumbled quiet affirmations to yourself along the way, half thinking you were crazy, but KNOWING you needed to tell your spirit, "I can do this. I'm better than this. I can make it. I'll be different when it's done, but I need this." It feels like you're the only one who will TRULY understand what you came through... because at the end of it all you were the only one left standing... when wouldn't no one else were.
“I go east but he is not there. I go west, but I cannot find him. I do not see him in the north, for he is hidden. I turn to the south, and I cannot find him. But he knows where I am going. And after he had tested me out I shall come forth like pure gold refined through the fire.”- (Job 23: 8-10)
