There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Okay so it's been a minute. Yadda yada. I know. I'm here.
So... I have on my heart the heaviness of ... hmmm. I'm not sure if I have the words to describe it. I'll try.
Ever love something or someone so much... willing to give your life to that person or things benefit... do all there is in your power to bring it/him/her to higher heights - even if it means you personally sliding back in your own ambitions? Ever want to dedicate yourself to that end and provide hours upon hours of your personal time... night or day to see that object of affection ascend and become better than you (or maybe it / he / she) ever imagined?
Ever get to the point that after years and years of mental, physical and spiritual devotion you turn around and say to yourself...
WHAT THE HELL FOR???
It's thankless. It's painful. You reap ZERO rewards from it. You've lost focus on yourself and the things that matter to you because you've been so razor focused on trying to direct your energies to this one goal - that isn't even YOURS???
Something has held my attention for years. Thinking about it, praying on it and being involved in it has held me in an emotional holding pattern. After an experience I had over the weekend, I'm finally ready to let go.
I've been to this point a few times in my life. Leaving the business. Leaving Vanguarde. Leaving a number of love interests. I am finally ready to this ideal behind. Of course, I've been dubbed the Queen of Cryptic. Those who know me well, know what I'm talking about and they're all the ones who count. And to those who don't - I urge you to know your limits, spend your energies wisely and devote only when you KNOW it will be 100% reciprocated.
