There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
There is something ... undeniable about pinpointing the one. That one pair of shoes... that one perfect dress... The one car that suits you. When you get it, you know it's right... and it keeps doing things to prove it's ONEness to you. You wear it and get the best compliments. You use it and it's always better results than the last time. Sometimes you stray away and try something else and come back to that ONE and it sits there in its smugness reminding you that there is a reason that it is the ONE. Tried and true. It just fits. It's not a recognition I can describe. It's something you feel in the core of your being. In the marrow of your bones. You just... know.
Luckily, it's the same feeling one can get about that ONE person. It's unshakable... jarring even. I always tell folks that when I met my husband, I was at the TOP of my game. JUST really getting the hang of this dating thing where it was just really fun and less stress than anything. Then I met Earl. And this little, quiet but completely overpowering voice announced, "Alright, Victoria... that's enough of these games. Buckle down. He's the one." And whereas I may have argued with myself in rebellion under other circumstances... But all portions of my personality gave in with the greatest of ease. There was a consensus... Yes. He was the one.
I attended my sister / friend's birthday party tonight and she looked fabulous. She surrounded her self with friends, family and acquaintances to celebrate this milestone in her life. She's done so much in such a short period of time and I've ALWAYS admired her for her get-up-and-go attitude. She lets NOTHING get in her way. Last year she was engaged to be married. The plan was to get her down the aisle about a month after my wedding. But something happened and it was announced that it had been called off. Her wedding, that is. After waiting a good amount of time to really talk to her about it, it'd been deemed by her that this isn't something she wanted for her life. She really couldn't see it through just to make the masses happy. Her happiness was paramount. And, again, I deeply admired her courage. Because through my planning there were a few times that I was second guessing.... "Is this really right for me?" And oft-times, the driving motivation to stay on the path was the non-refundable nature of most of the things we'd reserved and also the disappointment we'd have to field from many different directions. I admired my friend because in the face of those common "traps" for most brides, she spat and stated that her happiness was the best commitment she could make to her own life. Despite the money. Despite the extrinsic disappointment. She stood firm and called it all off.
But she misses him.
Whatever the reasons were to call it off... they've not quelled the love she feels for him. And his unto her. I'm sure of it after seeing them together tonight. He came to the birthday party... and she wasn't ever happier to see anyone in that building as she was to see him. She hugged him close and long and whispered some relieved appreciation into his ear then kissed him gently on the lips. They turned and posed for the picture I insisted that they take and then went back into their little world. Maybe that time apart. The trials they've had since. The love that never died.
Maybe that's what they need to see that the decision was right. Because above all, the feeling that made me go through with everything... was what I'd feel when I tried to imagine my life WITHOUT Earl. There was nothing there. Nothing to imagine. There was NO me with out him near. And I still feel that way.
