There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Again. I let half a month go by and letting thoughts squirrel in and out of my head but no time / desire to sit down and write them on paper. In large part because of the esoteric nature of my thoughts lately. It's not something I want the whole world getting into my head about. Or maybe... reading it and misinterpreting so there would have to be this over-explanation. But I promise to check in every now and again.
There's a plethora of behaviors that I've been accustomed to that I am actively (or passively, pending on the nature of it) beginning to debunk and discard. Some things just don't make sense anymore and it's obvious. They just don't need to be a part of my everyday. Mostly because they end up causing more trouble than happiness or pleasure. But from such great heights, everything looks so beautiful. Till you crash. I'm kinda tired of crashing though. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So I can officially label myself amongst the insane. But you know... there are enablers. The folks around you get so used to you doing the same thing over and over again that allowing you to change your method is... foreign to them. And sometimes it's just comfortable for them to keep you in what you've been doing. I admit that I give in a lot because it's easier to stay the same than to change. But this complacency has leaked into damned near every facet of my life. And I'm scared that if I don't change now... I could be stuck in various scenarios indefinitely... just in a horrid loop that would never end but would most definitely destroy my will. I don't want my life to become a Sisyphean task. So I gotta push through the threshold of discomfort this presents. But it'll be hard, of course. For me, I never take on one task alone. I gotta completely re-invent over night. It almost seems easier... than to try to hold on to pieces of the old me and change one behavior.
Ever want to wake up and be someone completely different? We all do at some point. The best we can hope for is to do that slowly. Eventually.
