There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
It's so funny how your attitude and outlook can change your perception of... everything. I am sad. I am completely downtrodden. It's sunny out, but you couldn't tell me that. I think it's clouds and rain. Seriously - and I was out there today, so I KNOW for a fact that there's not a drop out there. But it would so match my disposition for it to be as rainy as it's been over the weekend. Figures that I was pretty content through most of the rain. I just can't get it right.
My imagination lends to so much, I've realized in the last few days. Where and when I'm sad / mad / upset / distraught about something... 9 times out of 10... according to whomever I'm beefing with - it's all in my head. WOW. I should really be comforted by the fact that if I should ever perceive something a certain way... that I should just as soon assume that I'm probably wrong. Because it takes the guess work out of ... well... everything. I can just cut myself off at the pass and KNOW it's probably my fault. Or my faulty conception of situations. And you know what... it's been addressed before. I'm the one at fault. That is the DEFAULT. No matter what's amiss... it's me. I wonder when I get to be right, though... or allowed to feel that I might have a point...
Wait...
No...
That's where I start going down the wrong path. It's me. Seems like it's cyclical... every year around this time... I'm reminded. And everyone around me is clear that it's me. So I dunno why I can't get it right...
Funny. I need to begin investing in a Merit book, it seems, to keep track of the ill vs. the good. But... the way it's being read... nothing's ever being done wrong to me. EVER... LOL! So I guess... that's pointless too.
I suppose I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm the crazy one before I ever get my panties in a bunch about ... well...
