There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
They say that as a New Yorker, one should be generally unphased by any sight because the array of craziness you can be exposed to on a NY street is enough to MAKE you mad if you aren't already. With that being said, I stepped foot onto the 1 train to head home tonight and surveilled the floor and noticed the regular debris... And a used condom. And my brain just hiccuped. Too many questions rushed forth at one time for me to process. I ended up just moving seats so I didn't stare or ask any further questions and took gentle comfort in Ignorance. It's not the first time or the only arena I've practiced it in lately... And I'm becoming quite the master at it.
Yes... I've been away a long while. Longer than I usually allow myself. I'd convinced myself that there were thoughts too esoteric to share with the world at this time and in an effort to keep my promise not to pretend or lie... I just stopped. But I find that's just making me mad / sad / mentally backed up / confused / thoughtless / forgetful. (Yeah, blogging means a lot to me now ). So i've allowed my self the luxury to blog about all the non-proprietary things until time otherwise dictates.
The Kindness of Friends
Pride / borderline hubris is hard to manage sometimes. No matter how hard you try not to believe any press clippings out about you, they do create this little mental handbook of "What Everyone Expects of 'YOUR NAME HERE' ". So when you think you've fallen short of that expectation (which has probably been over inflated by your own twisted little mind) you are so embarrassed that you retreat, rather that asking for help. There are some folks in the world though called "friends" who don't care whether or not you ask for help. They Wonder Twin Powers Activate into the form of a safety net to catch you as you continually scream throughout your free fall "I'M OKAY!!! REALLY!!!" and catch you RIGHT as you were about to shatter into a million little pieces. I won't name names. But all are avid readers of this journal and know exactly who they are - and if i've not said it enough? THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND AND SAVING MY LIFE. It may not have seemed so crucial at the time - but what you did for me really rescued me. So, thank you.
Stasis
I've reached a point in my life career wise that has me completely stagnant and despite my struggles in this web, it only manages to confine me tighter... Making it harder for me to escape should I ever figure out a way. So laying still in this mess considering my options which are limited and scheming on my way out which seems risky no matter which way I go makes me feel helpless. Useless. Under appreciated. Worthless. Hard to venture to new things when confidence is at an all time low (professionally). So I wait. Make small moves and see if anything frees up enough of me to escape.
Babies 08-09
My illustrious Sorority's 100th birthday will be celebrated next year. HOPEFULLY (yes - I mean that) I won't live to see the 200th birthday. I can't fathom being that old and still able to enjoy anything OR not be a burden to SOMEONE. That being said and having posessed the knowledge that i'll most likely be a sickly expectant mother, my hubby and I have decided to delay baby making until after August 2008. I don't want the memories of my Centennial riddled with thoughts of water retention, morning sickness and general malaise. And heaven forbid I require bed rest and cannot attend at all *clutches pearls*. this gives me enough time to be proactive about zapping out the fibroids, losing some more weight and become a lean mean baby machine! Here's to motherhood.
Hand-To-Mouth
I truly understand this terminology now. It's the stance you take as you try to figure out "Where in the Hayle did all my money go?" the last few months have been especially rough monetarily. I need to check to see of mercury is in retrograde or somethin. The wave of financial misfortune is UNREAL. And I've confirmed that it isn't just E & I... It's like an epidemic... Suddenly everyone I know is struggling... At least we're not alone, but this is one misery that we don't want to continue to share company with. Hopefully there's a way out soon...
