There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
It's truly the way I'm feeling today. Maybe for the last few days. I read this gossip blog called Crunk and Disorderly... and even though I'm not really one for gossip, I go there to research something quickly and end up spending a good hour reading through the horridness that is the media these days. As with most blogs, it has the ability to apply a "category" to each blog. She has the funniest ones... like "Jesus Be a Co-Pilot", "Casket Sharp", "Hoe, Sit Down" and "Why Must I Cry?". "Fuck Effort" is also one of her categories... and I'm applying it to my general disposition lately.... just about everything.
Because... why? You're going to work hard to stack your little cards into this pretty pretty castle just for someone to accidentally (read: wasn't thinkin about YOU) knock it into a messy pile for you to clean up before someone yells at you for trying to get anything right. So... like... why? Sometimes you give your 153% if you're going to be thwarted, belittled, told that you'll never make it, have someone else steal your successes, watch you work hard and then change the game up on you so that it means nothing. And it's inevitable that it'll happen at some point. And yeah - okay - the "Anyway" Poem applies right here... I get that. This is my 20 minutes to be just downright negative. It just makes me wonder about all things in life... why bother? If it's just going to crumble in your face anyways? So okay... till 7:00PM... I'm serious.
