There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Sitting here letting india.arie's first album pamper my freshly showered skin... after having cleaned and washed dishes and having taken the most relaxing, rejuvenating half hour nap, I feel better.
I've been in a cloud lately. Not a cloud hanging over me, but just cloudy. Trying to get from one day to the next without really allowing for any definitive direction. Just trying to get to the end. Where ever and whenever that is. But today was really good. Started the day out not really feeling great. Went to a party last night to fete with my girl Robin who is in town for a stint. Originally the plan was to drag the Mr. with me so we could shake our groove thing. But in the end, he was really only attending because I wanted him to. Not because HE wanted to. So I offered him the out with the compromise that he'd drop us there and pick us up. He agreed happily and I admit that I hid my disappointment. I knew what would ultimately happen if I insisted that he come with. He would have been a lump on a log. I would have babysat him all night wondering what I'd need to do to get him to feel the way I was feeling - which wouldn't have happened. And then ultimately, we'd both have a horrid night. So, I put on my hooker best and hit Freedom Fridays with my peoples. I won't lie and say that I didn't feel... abandoned. Here I am again in this place. Subconsciously competing for dances with strangers when ... I'm not really supposed to anymore. *sigh* felt pretty crappy. But I did well. I usually do. I just hate it. I drank too much. I woke up this morning feeling ugly and FEELING ugly.
We had to get ready for a wedding we were honored to be invited to. So I moved slowly through my hungover haze trying not to give into the dizziness and nausea. Eventually made it out of the house feeling pretty. We got to the wedding and my hubby showered me with unmatched affection the whole time. Held me. Joked with me. Loved me publicly. It felt great. I gave into all of it never realizing that was the best hangover medicine. I took the wheel home while he rested. We got home, buzzed about as he prepared to go out for his night out with his frat and he surprised me when he exclusively introduced me to some gooood extra loving... another doctor ordered remedy to feeling ugly, unwanted and unloved. He got himself ready and left. And I laid in our bed with two choices: 1) Mill about and fill my evening with the equivalent of empty calories - events and tasks that really work to no end or 2) Just lay. Let the fan wash cool air over me... perhaps sleep but primarily let my thoughts run their course.
I chose #2. And I'm so glad that I did. I laid perfectly still and made mental patterns out of the diamonds on my bedroom ceiling. I thought about the last few days and their meaning to me if any. I drifted into a lucid dream where I felt beautiful, calm and relaxed. I woke up and took phone calls - which I usually turn away and had a great talk with a good, old friend. One call heralded my opportunity to see my Nininne who is in town for 2 days. I washed dishes, swept and showered in silence. Then turned on my cd player to offer the air some company from Stevie and india. And now here I am. Ready to do some work and wait patiently for my husband's return.
