There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Just got home from the Musiq / Jill Scott concert. Thought I'd be in a much better mood considering how much I love Jill's music and concert performance. But I got some really disturbing news while I was there. My first spech's mother passed away. She'd been suffering from Alzheimer's for some time now and she finally went to her resting place this evening. I got the news in a text message right as Jill was singing some rendition of a song of hers in Latin. "Gloria..." she sang... the melody almost sounded like a requiem as I stood there mouth agape. I flashed back to meeting this woman in my spech's apartment at that time. She was a woman of great stature and elegance and we greeted her the way my spech taught us. She was a Fine Woman of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. While I was on line, I was not allowed to recite any negativity about the Zetas on account of my spech's mother. And I respected my spech's wishes and her desire to keep it that way. You can't talk bad about my mother either; I don't care WHAT org. she's in vs. what you're in.
When my dad was dying, I shared a few brief conversations with my spech about him and about the wedding (there was so much dichotomy back then). And she consoled that we were all at that age. The age when we watch our parents deteriorate and die and she told me what was happening with her mom. I was shocked to hear what was going on. I would NEVER have thought THAT woman would suffer from ANY disease, let alone that one. The pain in my spech's voice really mirrored the hurt of what I was going through with my dad but would probably never tell anyone.
And now to have that news. Being in that position it's so strange. Because underneath all the hurt and pain and suffering for the loss... there is that part of you that feels released. That feels freed from the hurt of having to continually watch a loved one die. And you hate yourself for feeling that way.
What I wish most for her is to feel peace, eventually. I'm still looking for it myself.
