There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
How happy is the blameless vessle's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd
Alexander Pope, Eloisa to Abelard
I had a treat to watch one of my very favorite movies last night - The Waking Life. I'm a real nerd to love it. Because it turns EVERYONE off. Save for one other person I know. My hubby stretched up real tired like and fell asleep on it. It's a LOT of talk... and it's a LOT of revolving theory. But... when I watch it... I start to really think again. In this world that I'm in... I'm not really encouraged to think creatively about life. I can think creatively about business and creatively about how to make money... but rarely use the natural curiosity that we all have to really delve into the question of why we're here and what are we doing. A new thought occurred to me watching it...
They were mentioning how in the dream state... if you can become lucid within your dream and realize that is indeed what you're doing, the possibilities are infinite of what you can do and accomplish. They went on to say how in dying... you are permanently in the dream state, unable to awake. And I thought - that HAS to be promising. To end up in a world where anything is possible if you can realize it and take control of your own actions to make it reality...
Wait...
That sounds like life... now.
Two sides to the same coin. Life is death. Death is life. A dimensions' difference. There are so many times in a day where I swear that my awake life is a dream. And we've all been convinced that a dream was reality... until we wake up. Something gets lost in the translation between the dimensions. I wake up feeling bad for the Victoria on the other side. Shit is weird in her world. She probably thinks the same of me and my reality. But I can only seem to hold on to little bits and pieces of her memories. Then I want to go and make a big deal about them and try to piece them together to make meaning out of my own.
I was talking to MB the other day about the quality of Forgetting. How it is indeed a blessing at times. Sure, we forget little things, like where we put our keys and what direction to go to get to Grandma's house. But there are certain things that erode with time or that we suppress for the sake of our sanity. Because their being everpresent would make it impossible to enjoy life in the smallest measures. If you couldn't glean... a huge argument was had with my hubby over the weekend. We lost days of sleep over it... or at the very least, I did. We talked... and yelled.... and cussed and said things we didn't mean. Followed up by discussions and strategizing on how to recover. All weekend long, I prayed to wake up from this nightmare. I'd had several like it and was saved by the notion of awareness. Not this time, though. I was going to experience this all like salt on an open wound. The more plotting out we did and the closer we have been coming to understanding... the more I just want to forget the whole thing and go back to "normal". Chalk it all up to weirdness and go back to cuddling all the time and loving all the time. But unfortunately, I can't afford a spotless mind now if I want this union to last a lifetime. We have a long road ahead of us. It's been laid out there for a minute... but we'd been sort of... thinking we knew a short cut or an alternate route. But those roads just have us lost.
Hopefully we'll realize that anything is possible...
