There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Sitting here listening to "Miseducation" and every time I hear it... I silently thank her for saving my life.
All the lyrics were exactly what I needed to hear in a time when the life of my self esteem and my wish to continue living were at their very lowest. I was beginning to give up. Nothing was working out. No one was staying. Everyone was out to hurt me emotionally... I was totally alone. Or so I felt.
She dropped so much assurance and knowledge and confidence... even consolation that although it hurt more than I thought I could bear, I would be fine if I held on and learned to love myself above all else. She shared anecdotes on how she went through the SAME thing... looking back at how she'd been so much like me... but came out clean on the other side.
Pending on what I was going through... I'd cry with her. I'd complain with her. I'd heal with her. I'd move on with her. I'd triumph in my success with her. I nodded my head in quiet and final peace with her. She held my hand through that time and here I am... clean... on the other side... Knowing that what I NEEDED at the time - although didn't seem like what I wanted - was EXACTLY THAT. Had I not had her advice coursing through my thoughts... I would have passed that up for a life of frivolity that only FELT nice. But actually was doing more damage to my soul than I could bear. I smile every time I see his face. It was the best decision EVER.
"My heart is gold ... see I took back my soul.... And totally let my Creator control... The life which was his.... to begin with"
