There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I just woke up in tears. Big heavy hot salty tears. I can't say I remember the last time I woke up from a dream like that and was unable to cry. I'm sure if I search my blog memories, I'll find at least one. But it's been a while. Usually coming out of a crying dream, the tears don't last very long... because I realize whatever it is that I'm crying either has no basis in fact or isn't worth crying about beyond the dream.
I was with my mom and we were going to visit daddy. For the first time in the series of dreams I've been having about him, the thought didn't course through my head "why? he's dead... what's there to visit?" I happily took my mom to him. But he wasn't at a morgue or a hospital. He was more in like this... community living situation. Kind of like a hotel, but folks lived there... not just went to stay for a spell. We walked in his room and the sun was bright and he really looked good. Standing there in a pair of rust colored pants and a cream shirt with rust tie. Getting dressed... he was jovial and smiling (with and for us instead of others... which was the Dad that I liked best). And excited to get where we were going. He put on a matching cream blazer with rust and yellow stripe pattern and he stood there. My god... I was so happy to see him. He was so nice to us. Mom was so happy. (I'm trying to keep it together to finish this post... but I'm losing it fast...) While driving him and mommy in a HUGE cream Cadillac - the old school ones from the 60's movies... Like this:
They were in the back seat, his arm around her and her leaning onto him (which I'd never seen in real life)... I just broke into tears. "This isn't real... I can't stay here..." I started repeating to myself over and over... and I woke up and those same tears are running now.
This grief thing really sucks. You never seem to completely be ok... ever.
I do miss you daddy.
*
(yes... i just called mom to make sure that she's still with us...)
