There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This weekend, my hubby had a conference he was attending for his Fraternity. And although he didn't opt to stay overnight out there, he was gone from 6 AM Friday morning to 2 AM Saturday morning and then again from 7 AM Saturday Morning until a few minutes ago tonight (1:00 AM Sunday Morning). Friday wasn't so bad because I had work and I had lined up hanging outs with others so that the time wouldn't seem so vacant. I got home thinking that I only had a few hours to go before he got home so as I cozied up on the couch with our comforter at midnight thinking he'd walk through the door any minute, I let the boob tube rot my mind away and I fell asleep only to be stirred by his entrance into the house at 2. He gently led me to our bed, he disrobed and we slept.
The next thing I knew I was being greeted by his sweet morning entrance and exit kisses (the ones he gives me coming into and out of the room while he prepares to go somewhere). These last few days they've been extra wonderful because he wants to assure that I remember receiving them (since I accused him once this week of not giving them to me). Well, at 7:00 he gave me the last one as he announced that he was leaving. And I heard the door shut and his feet shuffle down the stairs through our bedroom wall. I laid there in bed staring at the ceiling. I looked at the time -- entirely too early on a Saturday to galvanize anyone to do anything yet. So I tried to go back to sleep... to no avail. I woke up and decided to get to work around the house and see if I could tire myself enough to fall asleep again. That worked. And I fell asleep until 1:00 PM fading in and out being awoken every now and again by the sound of a sad dog barking and whining in the adjacent backyard. The final wake up call administered by my brother who called to find out what I was doing... and stated that I sounded like a"kitten who fell asleep in the sun waking up to get her bearings" (yeah, he has a way with words too). I announced that I'd be to our mother's house in an hour, got up, showered and dressed in silence and hopped in my car and drove out to them.
There, I busied myself with the chores of family and a few hours later with just the slightest slivers of daylight left, escaped back to Brooklyn. I did a little light grocery shopping, ordered my dinner (and a little something for my hubby)... and then the wait began. I walked back and forth between the bedroom and the office (opposite sides of the apartment), trying to wear away the minutes. Even the delivery people threatened "the wait time is 3 hours at this time" -- Sure, I said. What have I got to lose? Of course the order came in 30 minutes. I surfed many websites. I came up with new decoration ideas for the office. I cleaned (again). I installed our new house phone and toyed with the idea of installing our theater system and then I ate as I decided against it.
Around midnight, I was doing my very routine watching of our wedding photo slide show, enjoying the memories of that day flashing on the screen as Donny sang... "home is a Castle, YOU built in my mind... I'm home anywhere... anytime..." and almost on cue, I heard the key unlatch our lock. I ran to my hunny and hugged and hugged and hugged and hugged him. I managed to dangle from him for the next hour as he removed his coat, took off his shoes, warmed his dinner, ate. I just doted on him and studied his profile... touched his skin and enjoyed his voice.
He was home. I was complete again. And I felt a huge sigh of relief escape my lips.
Tonight, I understand what my mom is sorely missing. Even if it wasn't perceivably as sweet as I think what I have is... it was what she was used to for 38 years. Waiting for him to eventually come through that door.
