There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I've been assigned to go through and figure out how to handle my dad's debt now that he's deceased. What I find hardest about this process is that he's not around for me to really ask any questions. And the worst thing for me is not knowing. I hate not being able to just find a solution. The other day, we were going through his personal effects and on his key chain we were identifying the keys. "okay, this is for the car... this is for the bottom lock... top lock... downstairs lock... what's this key?" And I had to fight the phantom urge to go into the living room holding the key up and say "Daddy - what key is this?" The process to mentally resigning yourself to just not knowing is painful for me. Me who just wants to know everything.
I'm slowly realizing there's not a whole lotta information out there for the survivors. Steps to take. Places to contact. People to consult. When I do a search on the web, seems to be a lot more information for people in the UK than here in the US. They just kind of leave us hanging wandering in the dark. I'm thinking maybe from my experience that I'll try to forge some kind of a document. Something to let the survivors know what to do.
