There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This is the forecast that they're predicting for Sunday - and that I like to think of as a forecast going forward - just in life. I can't expect that everything will be perfect and wrapped up into this neat little bow and just amazing always. There HAVE to be some downs.
I was freaking out on Saturday. I mean... I had a full on breakdown in the car with Earl. Everything was just crashing around my ears (again) and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. Ceptin' to lay there helpless and let everything go to shit. And it's the worst feeling EVER. I only had 860 some odd days to get it together and here... now in the final days, things didn't seem to be going right. I'd had the golden carrot dangled in front of me and chased it vehemently, only to have it snatched away at the last moment. And it had happened so many times that I just couldn't justify it anymore. I lost it. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I voiced all my fears. I cried till I think I popped a capillary in my eye. I hit things. I kicked things. I flailed about. I let it all out.
And then... everything became clear. My baby took me through it. He screamed right back when he saw I wasn't listening. He hit things and kicked things to make me see he was frustrated too. And in the end, he held me when I cried and wiped away my tears... and begged me for the 1% of faith I was holding on to among the 99% doubt that had shrouded me in darkness. He begged me to give him that 1% and trust him. Trust him to not let my nightmares come to pass if he had any control over it. Trust him to make sure that the things we promised ourselves would be reality. Trust him to know that we're in this together and I'm not some helpless marionette of an evil puppeteer. Once again... he yanked me off of my ledge (i seem to REALLY love that ledge) and showed me that there was never a reason to jump and I'd just blown it all up in my head. Of course we were talking about the wedding / housing stuff - there's no exaggerating what's happening to my family right now. But I also have no control over that.
I explained to him that I've never been through this before. The dichotomy of emotions. Going from happy to sad in 5 seconds. I feel stretched thin. And I felt spent on Saturday. We went to see an apartment. (One day, I'll go into detail about what our apartment search was like). This apartment is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! I'm not altogether sure that I'd be in a hurry to find a house in THAT apartment for what they were charging. Just breathtaking. We were told from the onset that it was "ready to move in". But after chatting with the landlady, she said - "so if everything is a go, you can move in March 1." My heart sank so low... I don't even know where to tell you it ended up. Past my feet... somewhere into the core of the earth. You mean to tell me... that after all the spending and planning and agonizing... for this big symbolic day on February 18th... I'm just gonna go home and be regular old me that I've been for 32 years. ARE YOU KIDDING???????
Looking back, I realized it would have only been for 2 more weeks - but still. I've waited a VERY long time to not have to go separate ways from this man. To be able to call where we both rest our heads at night "home" and have it be under the same roof. The thought of being his lawfully wedded wife and returning to sleep in my twin bed in my childhood bedroom... Tears ran from my eyes starting at 10 AM and didn't stop until 3. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I couldn't become "alright" with it. I freaked the fuck out.
My baby weathered my storm and brought me back to center. And today, we're looking at 3 possible offers for beautiful apartments in beautiful neighborhoods. And the wedding planning... well, that's got it's ups and downs. All together thought - it's more sun than clouds!
