There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Unfortunately, last night was another of those uneasy, unrestful nights full of disturbing dreams. This time all three disturbing dreams were of the wedding, and of the usual subject - me not being prepared. The firs of the dreams had me getting married in my living room, which isn't unusual - i've had similar dreams way before the engagement. But it seems, in this dream, as we're celebrating into the night, I remember that we still had the hall and that all that money was wasted paying for the hall and my heart sank and I woke up.
The next dream, we were at the hall but in the final hour, I realized that I never made a cd of all the music that we'll need - and so my entrance song wasn't in there. I tried to find it everywhere... But couldn't. At one point they started the processional but I refused to go in till I either found my song or found a suitable replacement. (and if you know how I feel about my entrance song - THERE IS NO replacing it.) So after a good 45 minutes to an hour of searching - and not to mention leaving my guests, bridesmaids and groomsmen waiting, I picked a song and walked down the aisle to it, disgruntled. I remember the relief and remnants of tears in Earl's eyes as I met him at the altar and he whispered "I was so afraid that you changed your mind". Then I felt so bad for making him wait under such selfish auspice.
The final dream was similar in nature that something that was labored for went unused. I can't remember right now what it was. But I was plenty upset about it.
The worst part was that as I was dreaming, it was as much reality to me as anything and I could feel my heart sink at the realization that things may not go as I hoped and prayed they would for 2 years.
