There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
This is the word my brother used the other day to accurately describe my father's interaction with us through out our childhood. It's been very dfficult for us to emotionally justify the halting of our lives to serve him so completely the last few days. Literally dragging him around the house, laying him in bed, changing his diapers, feeding him, sitting him up - the whole kit & kaboodle. At one point I stood at the doorway of my parents room and watched my brother hoist my father into place in his bed. The exact same place i'd spent pretty much every night as a child, quietly observing my dad in that same corner administer nightly beatings to my brother. Usually for no reason other than my father was bored and frustrated with his own life. It was such a paradigm shift for us both... We stood there after it was all over and we were both posing the same silent question to one another. We came up with the same answer, though.
For Mom. We do all that we do in that house for our mother. She always tried so hard to give us what we lacked - - it was the least we could do for her in return. When dad didn't want to attend our recitals, exhibitions or graduations - she was there. When we were sick and needed care and dad was out with his friends or playing lotto or with the "choir", mom was there for us. When he would turn his nose up at our dreams and aspirations, mom was there always supporting. We admitted Dad to the hospital on Monday during the holiday. While waiting for him to go through Triage, 3:30 hit. Earl & I had an appointment to see an apt. We went to it and came back knowing that dad would be in the exact same place upon our return (Dom stayed with him). I did ask myself, if it was Mom... Would I have left?...
Probably not.
*sigh*
We do have 2 great prospects on apartments, though! And for once, I dreamt about my new life... Only a month away - instead of nightmares of the past.
