There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm sick to death right now. I'm so mad that I'm shaking.
My dad's been laid up in the hospital as you all know... and as far as lucidity goes, he's in and out. Mom has been working hard the last month to figure out where the ends are gonna meet. My dad's pension is locked up in his bank accounts for which my mom doesn't have the pin number for. We've asked him for the pins but he's confused sometimes so he'll give us 3 or 4 different sets of numbers. And as we all know... you usually get 2 tries before you get locked out. But me knowing technology the way it is, I'm thinking we can scrape together the bits of info that we do have and get together what we need. So I dedicated some time to that today. Got his account numbers together, soc, etc. After everything was said and done, it seems that he'd been hiding an account from my mom. An account that has a substantial amount of money in it. In the thousands of dollars. While my mom is really scraping pennies together to make it happen and hope to death that she doesn't get evicted while she tries to find ways to make sure she's by his bedside constantly... in the meantime... he's hiding shit from her. Of course it makes me even sadder that the amt in the account is the EXACT amount of money that Earl and I would need to make shit happen on our end, but we've had to resort to begging people outside our immediate families for help so that the day of the wedding, we're not handing out rubber checks. Not that my dad EVER offered to do a damned thing for my wedding and was actually even happy to NOT walk me down the aisle when my brother tried to encourage him to get better and stay with us. "Who'll walk Vicky down the aisle if you're not around, dad?" "I'm not worried. You can do it," he said. Not even, "No... you're right... I have to be here for my little girl." (It just amazes me that he hurts me more now than he ever could of in my youth.)
Come to think of it... when my brother was in dire straits for money a few months ago... he never offered then either. I wanted to believe for a quick second that the money was for "emergencies". I guess if my son was about to be evicted, I'd view that as an emergency, despite what he did or didn't do to make that happen. But I'd do all in my power to make sure that he didn't have to go get a loan out from the government to avoid being homeless.
And my mom... says nothing. She makes excuses so she can justify it. So that she's not as angry as me. So that him being a total dick for the entirety of their marriage doesn't hurt as much. And my respect level for both of them just spirals down. His faster than hers, but I didn't know that levels could burrow through the floor.
Meanwhile, all I can do is stare at the account and wonder... what else is he hiding?
