There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm staring down into an abyss, and I don't know what's waiting for me. 2007 has the potential of being the most life changing year of my life and whether or not I'll come out sane on the other end is to be determined. Everything has this double edged sword for me right now. My wedding planning is for the happiest day of my life, but in the same instance it seems to making a few people quite miserable. Home life is always teetering on a pin head. Dad is home from the hospital but it's been extremely quiet... So I'm not exactly sure how to handle that... or interpret it. We haven't really been looking for a home yet... so it's unsure where we'll end up. And then married life is staring me down... one day promising to be rewarding... the next day threatening to be the bain of my existence.
If I look at the bright side of things, the pro is that everything has a 50% chance of being GREAT! Of course there's the flip side if I chose to be gloom and doom. It's hard to strike that balance. But right now, this year is looking pretty grim because I'm allowing myself to dwell in the negatives. I'm not happy with most situations in my life right now and I fear what that will mean for the rest of the year.
I hope I'm making the right decisions. Heaven help me.
