There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
For once this week... and maybe in a very long time... I'm really very happy. I'm at peace. I feel like dreams can be fulfilled... I am not angry at myself for allowing myself to feel some happiness. Today was my Bridal Shower and all I can say is wow. Isis has been telling me for a little while that "people love you, Victoria" - but I always poo poo it and keep it moving. I never want to get a swelled head or ever be like ... yeah... I'm the shit. But if I wasn't humbled by the idea of being loved outside of my blood family before today, then I definitely am now. I am in awe of these women. How they rallied together and had a good time with me and for me. I was brought to tears a few times today but mostly because of the Memories.
The bridal party (under the strict direction of Max and Isis) did a few keepsake games for us and one of them, was to put together these little cards each one with a 4x6 picture of me and whoever was writing the memory in it and that person's "favorite memory" of me or with me. And reading through the various cards I was just in awe of the things folks remember. How they have a nuance on how you saw it. How they remember parts of it that you'd forgotten... And even how you thought maybe they didn't remember it - or didn't think it was worth remembering... but they really did. I just smiled as I read through them this evening, parked at my building after shuttling my family around.
I sang out loud as I drove tonight. And I didn't care who heard.
