There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
The past few days have been peaceful on the homefront and the relationship front, but work and wedding planning could not suck more. Yesterday was a special low point. I'm overwhelmed with stuff to do and of course the quintessential "no time" to do it in. But that doesn't change the fact that deadlines need to be met. And I agonize, but things just don't seem to get done. Then with the wedding planning, I realize that mistake I made was hoping that everyone would have fun in the planning. I was enjoying it. But the fact of the matter is... (and ALL previous brides warned me but I didn't listen) the day is about me and I needed to focus on how I was going to feel -- not everyone else. Because no matter what I did or do, SOMEONE is going to have a bad time. And... Frankly... Tough. What can I really do anymore. I asked Earl for the next go around, when I offer him City Hall - TAKE IT. *sigh* So going forward, I'll work on Earl & I being happy. Period.
My brother and I were talking about years past and how life was when we were in high school. I remember attending all my classes then coming home, doing my homework and eating dinner. Then, my favorite part... I'd saddle up behind my mom, almost spooning her and my head would rest in the ebb of her waist. She would stroke my hair and I would sleep. Deep and restful sleep. Usually sleep till she woke me up to go sleep for the night in my bed. As time went on, the pain in her legs and lower back increased and me doing that would cause her to hold one position and thusly ended up being painful for her. Sometimes, paralyzed by the sheer pain and unable to keep a thought straight in her head, she would wave me off "Get off of me!" I understood it wasn't malicious, but that maybe spending time with her that waywasn't going to work any more. So I stopped.
While telling this story to my brother, he remarked how mom told him once how much she loved that time with me. How she looked forward to me coming home from school and how much she regretted having to wake me up and send me to my room. That the time she spent with her baby girl was precious and cherished and she missed that. I just opened up into a full on cry, right there on the train... It just felt good to know that she enjoyed it as much as I did. I truly miss that peace and solace and sanctuary. But I'm not alone in its absence.
