There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I didn't expect this years Christmas to be bustling with excitement and happiness. Actually, I was quite ready for it to be just about as miserable as it is now. Although, my spirits remain high that next year's Christmas will make up for the steady decline of Christmases that I've been experiencing for the last 3 years. Next year, my Christmas will be feted with my own immediate family (MY husband and MY baby on the way *fingers crossed*). No more Christmas with the Scrooges. Thankfully.
Well, this year, my father is in the hospital for Christmas. I can't really put into words the apathy that I feel. Feeling it and recognizing it makes me feel like quite the monster. All I know is that I'm going to spend Christmas day in the hospital with my mom, my brother and dad laid up. I'm very grateful that the office gave us Tuesday off. Maybe I can be more festive then.
