There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I can't seem to find any anywhere. Not at home. Not at work. No where. Everything is in a state of disarray. Dad's in the hospital again which is throwing everything off kilter. I'm getting messages from my Godmother that my mom finds me "unreachable". I'm "on call" all day for this situation with my father, but I'm supposed to maintain my job somehow. I feel like I'm losing the respect of my peers at work because I keep coming in late or not at all so I can figure shit out at home. Nothing is making any sense anymore. I'm 56 days and counting down to my wedding day and everything else has gone haywire. And it feels like NO ONE understands. It sucks to feel so alone but be surrounded by people all the time. I can't say that I know 2 other people my age in my circle of influence who are going through this. Everyone's parents are pretty much able bodied and pretty unobstructive right now. But... I do feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. And I have no outlet. My blog doesn't even bring me peace. Just a place to vent, but the anger stays. The hurt stays. The confusion stays. Only the words escape. I can't see an end to any of this. And it scares me to be trapped in darkness for an unknown amount of time.
