There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm trapped between the two worlds now. Firmly lodged. Even my dream world can't make heads or tails of it. In a dream on Tuesday morning, me, clad in my full Wedding regalia, was pushing my mom uphill in her wheelchair. Upon reaching the top of the hill, my father laid upon the floor dressed as he was in the Hospital but the wound dressing on his leg was missing, exposing his numerous diabetes inflicted blisters to the open air. My mother, in hyper panic mode begins flailing about and screaming about how we need something to dress the wound. Something light and breatheable so it can heal or he'll lose his leg!!! And of course in sharp contrast, my father lays there, in a semi fetal position looking extra pitiful, mumbling something inaudible to my mom under his breath. In a panic, I whip offf my veil and commence to wrapping it around my father's afflicted leg and the pus and plasma oozed through the tulle.
Some way to start the morning. This was the day before they discharged him from the hospital. He has been back since Wednesday and everyone is paying close attention. He is not himself. He's a shell of it, really. But I've not seen my mom so at peace in a while. She's truly happy to have him back. I put myself in her shoes and if it was Earl... how I'd feel. But Earl hasn't spent the better part of his natural life trying to monopolize my life and shut me in, either.
I keep thinking... I'm supposed to be happy. I'm embarking upon my new life, finally, with my new husband, in a new living situations... New goals.. New expectations... But I feel like I'm not allowed to be all the way happy because... The happier I am... The faster I kill my father - and then, according to my brother - inadvertently kill my mother.
I'm not sure what is expected of me at this time. I'm scared to be too happy... But... I REALLY am looking forward to this life's change. I want to be new and different. I stare at my last name and cannot WAIT to cast it off.
