There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
For as long as I can remember... by as many people as I know - I've been encouraged to do this... deaden a nerve. Desensitize just a little because I feel too much. Down to the stupidest little thing - I have very deep concerns for characters in a movie who die a gory or unnecessary death - it could be completely fictional story ... but there I am, feeling very badly for them. Or for a cartoon character even. Now... take that and extrapolate what I might feel about someone who is actually real. Or worse - that I might know. Worse yet... that I might care about. I hold the people in my life that I care about deeply in very high regard. So... when they do something to hurt me purposefully or inadvertently... it hurts profoundly and my reaction is commensurate. Maybe even considered an overreaction. But there is certainly a list of people who've reached the final limit with me in this day and age. No more do overs for them. I'm tired of feeling like this.
Beginning with my parents. This weekend, I decided to leave them here and continue on to live my life anew when I get married. It has to happen this way. I was idealistic to let myself believe that we could have co-existed under the same roof any longer and everyone made sure to tell me that it couldn't have worked. And although I'm CRUSHED that they cannot go with me... this is the best decision for everyone. These people living next to me are not the parents I knew once... and there's nothing I can do under the sun to please them or help them or assist. So, I can't kill myself in the pursuit of what they want. They've done that to each other. A warning to the wise... careful where you make your bed. Seriously. It was said once in a movie I saw that a dream that you don't follow can haunt you for the rest of your life. Regret isn't one thing I'm willing to live with.
There are more... this being the most substantial. I guess the words for "get out of my life" come easier when you've deadened the nerve. As of now, I've been unable to say it to the worst offenders in my world. But I believe that will come with time.
