There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
We had the men's fitting today for their tuxes. I took my dad and brother out (drove! Yay!) and we got out there at exactly 1:30. The small tuxedo store filled up with men - men that are my family - cousins, brother, father and men that are my fiance's friend and fraternity brothers and my AWESOME lead photographer. In total there were about 30 people in the house, laughing and talking and enjoying each other's company. The tuxedo store proprietor is wonderful and funny and everyone was relaxed and happy. I was pleased with myself that I drove out there... the moment we walked out and Earl went one way and I went another was very strange to me. Strange and wonderful. Strange because I'm so used to going with him. Wonderful because he was able to do what he needed to do and I did what I needed to do. My brother was with me and acted as my center of calm as I drove through the streets of Long Island where he dubbed me with my new super hero name "Angry Girl" ( I suffer from some serious bouts of road rage when I drive - and to keep from using the horn, I yell alot).
So what I needed to do different than what Earl was doing? Go see my Nininne. She is in town for today only and I needed to be sure that I have the Wedding Dress situation firmly in hand. I couldn't go one more week being in limbo. We drove up and met up with them JUST as they were pulling in from some grocery shopping. We all sat around and watched the video tape from Yamile's wedding (one of my Godsisters). We started the discussion about the dress. How I'm a real control freak about everything and the one issue of the dress being up in the air is killing me. I assured her that it wasn't my lack of faith in her ability - it was my not knowing what was going on with the dress. Not being able to control the deliverable. She started telling stories of how she never makes a dress just for it to sit. It takes her 3 weeks and then the last day she spends on the dress is usually is the day before the wedding. I had a PHYSICAL reaction to that. I couldn't even FATHOM that being the case for me. Her sister advocated for me. "If that's how you are, then you just need to buy the dress." I walked out of the house with my Godmother's blessing to buy the house and a strange feeling of freedom. I was excited to be allowed to do what I need to, in order to feel in control - and strange because my Nininne wasn't being involved in the dress the way I'd always hoped. I am now the only GodSister who won't be having her dress made by her... She promised that she'd still love me. I just need this to be my day
Then the final accomplishment was driving around on the highways of NYC in the day and during the nighttime w/o any help and being completely independant.
Freedom is wonderful. I can't wait to get married!
