There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I was having so much trouble getting to sleep that I was just grateful to get a little bit this night. I had one of my "me as a writer" dreams where I came up with quite a brilliant situation comedy / drama about a cop raising his young girl and the trials and tribulations that they face in the every day - it was very dawson's creek / 4400 / mean girls.
But then it flashed into a nightmare that has me up at 3:00 writing out this entry. Someone was keying into my apt and i'd managed to get to the door before they could get all the way in. But he stuck his arm in and he'd have his head in the crack left open by the door... And he had a soft voice which was sing songy when he spoke (in a really creepy way) but he was terribly strong and making it clear that he wanted to come in at whatever cost. I could tell he was an ethnic man but covered over from head to toe in stark white paint ... Like white out white. He was almost bargaining with me but with my back to the door, I slammed it against his face and arms trying to hurt him so he'd leave.
He recoiled and I locked the door and ran into my parents who waved me off stating that they've dealt with him before and he means no harm. He actually lives IN the building, they reasoned with me, as if u should leave it alone. I yelled back to them that he has keys to THIS house and they responded with shock and "that's not possibles" when I heard the lock opening again and I ran to keep the door from opening. His arm got in and I heard his voice echoing in the hallway again, bargaining with me that was ok to let him in. My mom (unassisted by a walker or cane) came to he bedroom doorway (which is directly down the hall from the main doorway)- saw my struggle and announced that we needed to call 911. That's when I woke up feeling very scared and my teeth were sore from grinding. And I found it to be such a bizzarre dream till I tried to put together a description of him for this entry - he looked like the grim reaper from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey - minus all the comedy. I haven't seen that movie in a while but that is who this person was.
I guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to try and interpret this dream. But... How come he has the keys to MY house now? And will changing / adding locks make a difference??
