There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I had a dream last night - seems like my most vivid dreams come when I've actually put myself to bed at a decent hour. Anyway - in this dream, I was hanging out with my line sisters, seemed like we had just finished working out and were just laughing and joking with each other after getting showered and dressed. I was sitting there talking to them for a long time when my #5 pointed behind me and I whipped around. The scenery behind me wasn't one of this locker room, but of my dinette circa 1980 decorated for my Communion party. And there in the corner by the cake table was my #1 and her new baby. I rushed over to her and she offered for me to hold him. I held him and he was beautiful. (And smart too, because he was talking to me). "He is soooo precious," I said and the baby responded mockingly, "Sooo.. precious... so precious... doesn't anyone have something original to say???" I shot a look at my #1 and she was like - "The other babies in Florida don't talk so early so I try to encourage his development as much as I can. I'm SUCH a mom!!" I nodded agreement and enjoyed holding him for a moment more and then turned and handed him to his Godmommy (my #5). I quickly turned back around and raced over to my #1. I locked her in a huge hug without saying anything and was hoping that she could interpret my thoughts. I miss her terribly. I wish we spoke as often. I know that being a new wife and a new mommy has consumed her ... but her lack of presence in my life is sorely felt. And in the dream I began to cry. Sob. Blubber. And the tears chased me into my waking life where I laid there on my pillow sobbing. Usually I feel like a real asshole for waking up crying because whatever it was that was making me sad in the dream was probably a fake situation. But in this instance, I laid there and let myself cry a little longer. Cause it does hurt. I just didn't realize it hurt enough to follow me into my dreams. I let the hot tears run down to my ears for a little while longer before getting up this morning.
Usually crying is cathartic for me. It really wasn't in this case. It made me aware of all this emotion I'm sitting atop of. I guess I have to figure out what I'm feeling...
