There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So I got my period on thursday. Right on time. And usually for the first day, I have some real mind numbing hurtful cramps. but it's for like half a day. I usually never medicate for pain and it goes away and voila... life is back to normal. But I had the pain for Thursday... and Friday... and Saturday... and Sunday... and it picked up steam on Monday...and Tuesday... to the point where I was doing the whole... stare off into space to contemplate the amount of pain I was in. At that point I went home early from work... where I went to lay down at home and be in more pain. At about 11:30 PM with Earl by my side I decided I couldn't do one more day with this. I got showered and dressed and he drove me to Lenox Hill Hospital. I was admitted into the emergency room (which by the way - they rock) and several doctors looked at me... poked and prodded and speculated. They needed a sonogram which wasn't going to be available till 7:30 AM. So they shot me up with some morphine (which was the only thing to dull the pain) and I actually slept for the first time in a few days. My baby slept at the foot of my bed and was the most comforting feeling when I would awake to seeing his resting body in the room with me.
Seems that one of the fibroids is degenerating. And because of the degeneration and the dying of the cells, they, as they die, release chemicals into my system. And that's what is causing the pain. So there's no numbing of the pain till i guess... all the cells are dead or something.
In short, I've slipped into the 7th circle of hell with this and have never been in so much c0nsistent pain ever in life.
