There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So... this whole episode has got me to thinking. I'm ultimately going to have to decide between my health... and the potential of having my babies. Apparantly the fibroids have doubled... from 2 to 4. 2 of them (which I think are the originals) are 6 cm in diameter and the other two are trailing with 2 and 3 cm. There are small polyps on each ovary now but they were described as small and normal. But the Emergency room doctor told me it might be better for me to have the fibroids removed even if I do want to have the babies. Because they are going to be competing for room in my uterus versus the fibroids. There are risks either way, but as of right now, because I don't have the kids... what takes precedence? My desire to have them one day and stay this way in the hopes that I'll have a hospitable enough womb for them grow and be nurtured in? (never mind the chance that the fibroids will push them in whatever direction and whatever THAT means). Or... my health now... and getting these cut out (which has it's own risks) and perhaps lead a fairly normal life.
It's tough... but I have to consider the surgery side of it now. Before, it was out of the question. But now... it seems to contend with other options. I just hate going under the knife. God knows what they do to you when you're there.
