There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Unpreparedness So it's beginning... the wild dreams about not being ready for my wedding. During last night's dream, my florist opted to do a little league game instead of come through with my flowers. My gown was NOT what I was hoping to wear (it had a red velvet veil for Christ's sake). My BMs and MOH's looked fantastic though. And Earl came down the aisle in some ... grey shirt black slacks... his coat was off and he had those fake scented fabric roses in his hand and went down the aisle pelting folks with them in the congregation. Oh... that's a nother thing... we were married in a church??? Although beautiful, it was catholic. And could explain why my gown was like Queen Elizabeth. I was just in horror. And to top everything off... everyone that I asked to help me didn't know what to say. They were like... don't worry about it... and yessing me to death. But WHERE WERE MY FLOWERS??? if nothing else was going to go right... at least I could have had my flowers. *sigh*
Baggage
My brother and I were watching The 44oo last night (used to be a good show... not sure what they're doing with the plotline right now). Anyway there was a 4400 on there that had the power to make you halucinate... it basically went into your psyche and picked out the person that you had the most baggage with and made them appear to you - just as a real person would, complete with personality and attitude. Only you could see them though. And it seems that they wouldn't go away until you resolved whatever it was that they did to you to affect you on such a level. One character it was is Dad (typical). Another character it was some dude she was engaged to that they didn't end up marrying and now she was all afraid of commitment. I turned and asked my brother (knowing the answer) who it would have been for him. He said my dad. And I thought for a second... Who is it for me? I'd say my uncle (who molested me) but... I confronted him at 12 and although he lied to my face, I said what I needed to say and was at peace with it.
