There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I've claimed it in a major way. From this point - I have one year to be out of this neighborhood. I will not allow myself to turn 33 and still be living in Elmhurst, NY. I refuse. It is the biggest gift I can give myself, my parents and my children one day. And I woke up this morning with my new life on my mind. Earl and I went to go to an HPD Development Lottery information session yesterday, and even though the chances at that lot may be slim for us... (they're really only letting folks bid on 2 of the 11 houses w/o preference), the fact of the matter is that I'm more knowledgeable about the home buying process. I feel more confident and am less afraid. I know I have some things I need to work on (namely savings) - but that has also never stopped anyone from buying a new home. Earl and I have inspired each other to work hard at becoming better people for ourselves and each other and the results are making themselves apparant. We want this for our future.
Everytime I turn the corner to my apt, I think to myself... My parents have been living in this same building for 37 years. Almost 40 years. And cumulative the rent they've been paying over 37 years... I shudder to think HOW MANY HOUSES... how many great investments... how much more belief in themeselves they could have had. I know that it's a standard line to say "well, they did the best they could." But in my parent's situation, they were poised for more. Bad decisions. Selfishness. Fear of change. Those enemies held them in place. But not me. And I refuse to leave them behind. They will have that house one day, so help me, within this next year. It would have been ideal to find a home before our wedding vows take place. But I'm realistically giving us one full year... until July 2007 to be 1) new home owners 2) in charge of our future 3) looking for new investments 4) controlling our finances (not the other way around) 5) setting up a firm foundation for the next generation of Flearys.
I'm buzzing with anticipation and solid determination.
