There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I'm going to ask for help from my married people (if there are any) that read this blog. Because... I'm just confused about stuff.
Exactly... what should one look forward to / expect when embarking upon marriage?
I know it's a broad question... but I'm trying to assess whether my expectations are too high... not high enough.. unrealistic... or whatever. Because, I'm making myself a little crazy now.
When I was a little girl, it was this big romantic thing. A boy who loved you, loved you SO much that he couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life without you (and all the wonderful things you do for him or make him feel) in it. So he asks you to marry him; y'all go and profess your love in front of countless friends and relatives and then y'all live together - learn how to be TOGETHER - because you've spent enough time being singular. Right? (Feel free to intervene at any time). So, the challenge is how to put these two independant folks together to make A life... (operative here is "A" not "conjoined" or "separate"). Find how to do things together and enjoy each others company and not just be best friends but best friends that live together, eat together, sleep in the same bed, maybe even watch tv or play a board game together.
So... so far - how far off am I? Am I way off the mark?
Because it feels that I'm being trained to do everything on my own. I have always been a pretty independant person. I love my family and friends and their company and love. But if I have to do something for myself, I'm completely willing and able. Would I rather? Not necessarily. I love having company - but I've walked home from some obscure places before because I had no other way or gone and done something that was more of a "group" activity on my own because I could find no participants. If I have to be alone... then I will be. And if I'm capable to do it on my own then I will. But if 5 out of 7 times I'm finding that I am doing things for myself... or being left out of things that should maybe be a joint effort.... does it really make sense?
It's hella expensive to get married and buy a home and make babies... just to NOT spend time with the person who claimed to want to spend life with you.
