There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
My first post in a long time. And there is so much to update. But the unifying factor in all of the reports is that time and again... Fear has turned itself in to be exactly what I've always know it to be:
False Evidence Appearing Real.
Max's Wedding
As frightened as she was of the the day and the potential for anything failing - to the point where she would vomit regularly and have her nerves (along with her stomach) tied up in knots - The wedding was a smashing success. Everyone had a terrific time. The whole thing went off without a hitch - just classy and flawless and the get down at the end was absolutely packed and needed. The dance floor was buzzing with excitement of which Max and Zeen gleefully took part of. She is now a Mrs. and happy and free. AMEN.
NYS Licensed Driver
It took me 15 years. But I finally went for my dreaded road test. And it was everything that I feared. I never got any practice in (although I've been taught how to drive since I was in HS). The proctor was HORRID and MEAN and yelled at me for the majority of the time. I was nervous and made many a percieved mistake. And at the end of it all... 10 minutes later, she awarded me my temporary license. And I realized... I'll NEVER have to ever do that again. Never. And if I had just realized that at 16... I would have had it then. So i'm official now. My little joke of saying "yes, I know how to drive, but the NYS Dept of Motor Vehicle doesn't know that I know..." is now defunct. AMEN.
Back to Life
I can now return to the regularly scheduled events that make up my world and my life. Which wholly consist of the continuation of planning my wedding, losing this weight (of which I lost 28 lbs so far), checking in on my health and improving it (checking into Lasix for later this year), looking for a home (which D is helping with tremendously) and recognizing the blessings in my life that are sometimes disguised as challenges or shortcomings.
