There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So I'm back from my trip to Playa del Carmen and it was beautiful. It was like an extended walk for me - just a chance to not be myself for a little while. I needed that. It wasn't terribly eventful. Just a lot of walking around and wading in water and sunning. Nothing supernatural to report. Just the earth and the sea and the sun and the moon. And they're always spectacular.
I guess I was trying to be cute on the way back from Mexico in my little tank top and flip flops - and I fucked myself up. I have the worst cold. I stayed out from work today ... and slept till 4:30 PM. I've NEVER slept that long in my life before. Ever. I'm up now and feel slightly better... but DAMN. Hopefully I'll be back on track soon. I need all my faculties for the weeks to come.
Re-arriving to the conclusion that I'll never know it all. There are things in this world I'll have to be okay with not COMPLETELY being in the know about. I'll never really ever know who broke in to our apt. when my dad left for Haiti when I was 10. I'll never know what happened to the little notepad they gave to me in the 6th grade when I was FINALLY elected as president of the class - of course... no other president had ever lost the booklet *sigh*. I'll never know if it was really Suzanne that called and threatened me on the phone about Roberto in High School because she seemed pretty clueless when I rolled up with the entire football team ready to kick her ass. I'll never know what would have happened that pivotal night that started 7 years of Shawn and I if J.A. had came back from uptown as we planned.
But more importantly the things that I'll have to trust without ever knowing - the same way that I trust that it's air that I'm breathing and blood pumping through my veins. That Earl loves me. That we'll be together as long as we both work to make our life click together. That I can take him at his word. That our life will be happy. I won't know till it happens... and until then.. I have to trust.
I'm on the horizon of something though. I think I'm a little scared of it actually. I'm embarking upon some period of my life... feels dark though. It's a period of change and I have to be okay with that because change is good. But no one said I can't be a little scared of it at first. I'm sure I'll come out unscathed... but the unknown is always daunting. Pray for me.
