There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
My appearance circa 2003 early 2004 was pretty simple: hair pulled back, baggy tee shirt, baggy jeans, sneakers. Every. Single. Day.
It was more related to my stress at work and my displeasure in my physique than anything else. It wasn't my personal style. It was just low maintenance and I didn't have to worry about coordinating or trying to match anything... all jeans and all teeshirts go with most sneakers.
But then I found myself one day wondering why my esteem was so low. Why guys wouldn't look at me in the street. Why I couldn't seem to get any reaction from my man. And I took a good hard look at myself. And one day, caught a glimpse of this girl:
And it dawned on me that she made me in her exact likeness (with a few additions from the sperm donor). But she in all her youth was FLY. How dare I disrespect that image by taking what she gave me and hiding it under big bagginess. She didn't. She was in some miniskirts with her hair always done - my father always had a camera snapping pictures of her. Even he appreciated (which he doesn't know how to do for anything, really) how beautiful she was and the effort she went through to keep herself (and others) impressed.
I changed my tune. I started to wear prettier clothes, prettier shoes... made sure my hair was washed and straight and presentable. I invested in a dollop or two of makeup and skin care products. And I started to care more about what I thought of me than what others did. It was really a transformation. Some of my co-workers attribute it to me getting engaged. But doesn't that seem like the reverse of what usually happens. Pretty girl gets asked by pretty boy to get married - pretty girl stops trying so hard cause boy is in the bag. I've been doing the reverse. i always want his interest - so I always make sure that I can capture it. Or try to. Not that it works - but at least I think I look pretty in the mirror before I leave the house.
For the first time in my life someone told me that I was "head to toe fine". Shocked me to hear it because even in my smallest (body size) days, no one ever really commented on me. I heard "pretty" a lot or "beautiful" on special occasions. Never "cute" - I think I'm too tall to be cute to anyone. Never "fine" - (don't know why on that one - maybe it comes with some kind of attitude that I've only had as of recent). Felt REALLY good to hear. And I accept that. Because I feel that I am these days. I'm taking good care of my body (FINALLY). I'm wearing clothes that flatter - not fatten. I'm doing all the right things. I think...
But I'm still pretty invisible to certain people. And I guess that will be the way it has to be. I won't vy for that attention anymore. I'll just make sure that I please and honor me. No one else has to notice.
