There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I wake up this morning (sunday) and know that yesterday was a bust as far as me being a good daughter: I had to work from home then when I was at a pausing point for freelance, my baby came and spent a huge chunk of the day with me and then when he left, more freelance. So I didn't do all the good things I should have been doing as their daughter on Saturday. So I woke up, gave my self a much needed facial, planned out my day for what I'd do after I cleaned the house and then I got right to it. Moved the vacuum cleaner into position and began. I vacuumed the house, mopped the floors, wiped down the windows and mirrors. At one point I was going to go in to their bedroom but the man was getting dressed for church. So I put the vacuum cleaner over to the side and did something else so I wouldn't lose momentum. I mopped in front of the main entrance, since they came to change the door yesterday and it was really filthy. As I was reentering the house and ready to vacuum the kitchen and their bedroom, he says to me... "How much longer?" Didn't know why he said that... so I said - "is there something else you needed me to do?" "No," he replied, "You're making too much noise."
*blink.... blink*
"But I'm cleaning the house, " I responded in case he couldn't actually SEE what I'd been doing for the past hour. "Yeah... I usually do it - but not on a Sunday," was his retort. "Sunday was the only day I ha.... why am I arguing this with you??? I'm cleaning the house. You're ridiculous, " My voice started to raise - because I couldn't believe that instead of a simple "Thank you" - or even NOTHING AT ALL, which at that point would have been better...
HE WAS ARGUING WITH ME ABOUT MY CLEANING THE HOUSE!!!!!!!
I can't even begin to express the levels of anger I was and am feeling. I do too much. I do too little. Either way he finds SOMETHING to complain about.
So why do I bother? Because "because you love them" isn't cutting it ANYMORE. He's managed to hold my mother down for 38 years and keep her in place with his FUCKED UP attitude and drove EVERYONE who loved her away from here with exactly that kind of bullshit. He's not going to do it to me anymore. The worst and very saddest part is that he will never apologize. I KNOW it.
