There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
So, I think it was Monday, or Tuesday... the search for a new religion is officially over for me. I'm at the point where... "why bother?" Something to understand about me - I'm deeply spiritual. There's no building or congregation that will strengthen or weaken my love, faith and devotion to and in the Lord. But... I'm also a very communal person. I like to work within a community of what i'd like to think are likeminded folks. So there's a part of me that has been at a serious lack for communal feedback since I left the whole church scene - community service, youth programs, choirs etc. I can get that stuff elsewhere, but I haven't tried to because I really liked it in the packaging it was in - praising the lord and singing at the top of my voice AND helping my fellow man... it can't get better than that.
But this past Easter made me re-evaluate somethings. This is the most "un-catholic" I've felt in all my life. Amidst the many texts and emails "Happy Easter!" "Joyous Ressurection Day!" I began to scoff at them, like "yeah, whatever." After hearing something on 1010 wins... I was pretty done with it all. They had a report about the sermon that Cardinal Egan gave... Here are the basics:
Egan took issue with a U.S. News & World Report magazine story on a controversial new book called "The Jesus Dynasty: The Hidden History of Jesus, His Royal Family, and the Birth of Christianity," by a religious studies professor at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte. The book by James Tabor claims that Jesus was the son of a Roman soldier and that he wanted to establish a worldwide dynasty led by 12 tribal leaders, with his brother James, rather than Peter, as its leader. Tabor also takes issue with a translation of an original Greek text, released recently, in which Judas is depicted not as a traitor, but as acting on a request by Jesus to hand him over to the Romans. Egan didn't mince words in offering his opinion of Tabor's book. "What he has to say is science fiction out of control," the cardinal said. And, "The one about Judas that has gotten so much attention - I laugh at that one," he said. Egan used his sermon to encourage Roman Catholics to read the Bible more often, suggesting a minimum of 20 minutes a week. "All of this nonsense has taken hold, and maybe it's a blessing. Maybe it will motivate you and me to read about Jesus Christ right from the source," he said. "Next year when Time and Newsweek do the silly articles, you will be prepared."
And for the last time, I think... I was embarrassed by my baptised religion. The past indiscretions were enough to send anyone away... keeping women down for centuries, the crusades, the lies about the bible, and most recently the abuse of young boys / girls by the proclaimed "sanctified" members of the church. But now... the close mindedness. It just didn't register. I couldn't bring myself to justify it anymore. To even TRY to. I sat with my brother and he made it very concrete for me. "Vic," he said, "this may hurt and it may take a while to wrap your mind around it... but... the Catholic Church... is dad." This went through me like a white hot knife. Dad = is always right. Nothing he says or does is ever wrong. Even in the face of the truth or true reason, he is unwilling to reassess the situation for anything that may have been his error. He's never apologizing. He's never corrected. He is the Right. Always. Forever. Amen. And wait... I want to belong to an organization that thinks like HIM???
HELL. NO.
But then the 2 of the 1-2 punch came my way. "Every religion is like that, Vic.... they ALL KNOW they're right." Can't I find a religion that might even try to rethink something based on new evidence? Like... I saw the piece about Judas... and I'm willing to think that it may need some looking into. It's totally possible. And considering the lost scripts they're finding from Judas and Mary Magdalene and lost books of the Bible... WORTH looking into. But what does catholicism want to do? Turn it's nose up at it. Call it names like "foolishness" and "science fiction" and not even EXPLORE the possibilities.
Don't get me wrong - at the base of religion is man. And Man is fallible. But now... I don't even want the community of close-minded folks. I'd rather just do my service alone. And that's tough. But this newest revelation has brought me closer to God than ever before.
I know I'm babbling... but I'll get it together soon...
