There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I had a disturbing dream last night and again it was so hard for me to distinguish between my dream life and my awake state... for a long time as I drifted between states, I couldn't discern what was real.
In the dream a good friend of mine had died suddenly. I don't know from what. And at the point in my dream, I was trying to decide if I was going to go to his wake AND his funeral. But the reality of his passing hadn't sunk in yet. I still thought I could just pick up a phone and call him if I wanted. Until I bumped into another mutual friend who helped to bring it home. And I just remember sitting there with a tissue and crying so hard I woke up crying that way in real life. And I stopped for a moment, laying in my bed and took inventory of where I was. But for a few moments, I knew the world of my dreams to be the truth. And all I could think to myself was... I had so much more to say to him. Now I can't. It was really tough because it set the whole tone for my morning and until I got in contact with him in real life... I was still kind of up in the air about his existence.
