There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I had a dream the other night. I was sitting in a burkalounger chair... but slightly wider. In the dream I truly was me looking out of my own body (you know how sometimes you're a player in your dream and you are the observer, watching yourself? - does that make sense?) but ... this time it was me looking from my eyes over whatever I saw. I was sitting in a family room and on either side of me tucked under my arm were two precious little babies. They were about the same size... maybe 2 or 3 years old. I just remember their arms being wrapped across my waist and tummy. Short little sweet childrens arms with brown skin and comfort... all three of us totally relaxed and enjoying being in that position. It made me remember countless days I spent laying behind my mom with my head on her hip and her hand draped over my head playing with my hair and ear. I've never known relaxation and safety and HOME like that before. Even now as a grown assed woman... when things go horribly wrong it just takes her healing hand to center me. Get me to clear my thoughts and begin anew with renewed hope. To think that I coul ddo that for any human being is really daunting. I don't know if I have that much love in me. I'm sure I could find it.
I do love dreaming about my babies. They're SO delightful... I can't wait to really meet them.
