There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I stayed later at work than I was planning to because I placed a call to my Nininne (godmother) at around 9:30 and we talked for a long time. About 2 hours. I don't think she realized I was at work but I realized that informing her would cut the conversation short and I desperately didn't want to do that. I rarely get to talk to her at length and I really did want to talk. So I let her believe I was at home and we chatted.
At one point I brought up my mom and her failing attitude. I've always attributed it to my Grandmother passing on. Ever since then she's been in a self-proclaimed "rut" that she's not been able to get out of. My Nininne was quick to let me know that wasn't the case. "The rut goes back to things that happened between her and your father and that brought her down and she hasn't been able to come up again." "Like what... if you don't mind me asking?" I followed. For the first time in my whole relationship with my Nininne, she hesitated. "Wait," I said..."is it none of my business?" and I could feel the relief on her end. "No baby. It's not any of your business. Things happened between your mom and your dad and by the time he realized how stupid he had been - he had done his damage to your mother. It's not my place to tell you." "Well, if you won't tell me, I know mom won't tell me so I guess I'll never know..." I led her... trying to get her to go ahead and tell me anyway. No dice. "No honey. I guess you won't"
I worry at this point. My mom and I are drastically different now. She's intensely private. I'm openly outward. She loves to move in shadow - and the more sun for me the better. But now... I face the connundrum - conceal enough of myself for my child to never really know me... or tell her everything and risk her not respecting me?
