There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Growing up... and I'd say all the way to about college, I've always been quite the quiet, gracious, sweet, airy type. Hopelessly romantic, super courteous and conscientious, maybe even... shy at times (yeah... can you believe)? In college, they used to refer to me as Synclaire (from the cast of characters on Living Single) on some serious tree hugging, super nice, bat my eyes. When folks used to get mad at me or when I'd even think for a minute that they'd get mad at me... I used to have FULL ON panic attacks because I was so worried about what other folks thought. I ended up in the hospital once.
I don't want to say that time hardened me or made me less loving. But I sure learned to care LESS about what folks thought of me. I also learned the valuable lesson that I'm a pretty cool person to be around - I can always make new friends / acquaintances if the need arises. That made me less willing to take anyone's stuff. This constituted the new me - which I'm still in awe of sometimes. I've considered giving her a name... this no-shit-taking alterego of mine. Beyonce calls hers "Sascha". I think I'll call her Scarlett (not of Gone With the Wind fame; rather from the G.I. Joe fame - she was the only female character I could identify with when I played GI Joe with my brother). So Scarlett likes to put people in their place. ScarlettREALLY isn't afraid to piss people off and tell them exactly where to go and how to get there. Scarlett DESPISES email gangsters, because whatever you have to say about me on paper you can and should say to her face. Scarlett isn't afraid to throw 'bows if she has to or if she feels that she's been disrespected. And it is the mere aura of Scarlett that keeps people from fuckin' with the Synclaire in me nowadays. Folks who've never met Scarlett are intimidated by me and pussyfoot around me and try not to make me mad. Maybe they just figure the balance of my niceness is tempered with a pretty severe anger. Scarlett thugs bitches.
It's funny when I run into folks from college and before nowadays... I guess they always expected me to be somewhat of a perceived mealy mouth, kowtowing type. They all seem shocked. Sometimes, they don't even speak... because they don't know what to say.
I feel like Scarlett was in full fire today, but Synclaire was keeping a watch over my mouth.
I hope to not be as surly tomorrow. Today was a tough day.
