There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
I feel it coming on in the strangest way. That singular focus I've been begging God for for the last few weeks. I can see it slowly taking over. I'm hitting that 6 month stride where anything I set my sights on, I'll accomplish. Feels good and sad all at the same time. I'm my very lonliest during this kind of stretch. I don't really hang out much / talk to folks / socialize much during this kind of time. I made a LOT of phone calls today. I called 3 of my LSs... a few sorors... a few friends... texted a whole bunch. I guess I realized it earlier than I thought.
I do need this though. The first two months of 2006 have been especially tough. Between personal, financial, and spiritual challenges coupled with many deaths of close people and hardships for all. But I have to know it's a pruning. We're being prepared to push through to that next level. I'm really excited about it because it's going to be really awesome.
