There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Sometimes I feel it happening. Sometimes it's more obvious than others. I remember that when I was learning to dance and learning to step, it was an art. The art of shifting your weight just right so that the next step could be acheived. If it ended on the right, it couldn't start on the right again unless you were anticipating it. It required you keeping your weight on the left for it to happen. But it's the body's natural propensity to shift weight from the right if you just used it, to the left. Just a constant dance to get you from one place to the next. There are the constants. Family. My baby. And then the cast of friends. Sometimes they step in where you never thought they would. My latest challenge involves heading to a court to dispute something. I really don't know where to begin. And I feel like everyone I talk to about it gives me this blank stare ... like they really don't know what to do. Except promise that they'll keep me in their thoughts. Honestly, if I didn't know what to say... I'd probably do the same thing. I try not to be an expert at the things that I'm novice to. Then there are some friends that seem to know what you're going through and are willing to hold you through it, refusse to let you give up on yourself. They have nothing to gain from it at all - except you being a happier friend... D and Robin have been really holding my hand through this. Robin, the constant source of information and encouragement, and "don't let them beat you" and D... I guess sensed that I was afraid to go alone... took off of work early, to take me down to the courts. TOTALLY didn't have to, you know? But was there and got me balanced when I thought I'd fall. When I was about to say... "I'm not prepared, I'll come back tomorrow" -- she refused to let it happen and made sure that I saw my way through it - came up with ideas that i wouldn't have thought of on my own. I'm sure any of my friends would have come with me if I asked them. It really just blind sided me when she offered. It's hard to push my own pride aside to come out and say..."I'm really afraid of what this will do to the future I envisioned for my kids... and honestly, I just need someone to talk to while I wait." And as soon as I got home, Robin hit me up checking in on me. Then my baby stopped by to give me a hug. Constant shift and making sure I stand straight.
I understand the essence of a team of two. I know that in a married relationship, you're supposed to rely on each other unequivocally. Kind of like... two sides of an A (with no line in the middle) Leaning on one another to hold the other up. But in my head... my baby doesn't deserve to deal with any more problems. I feel like... I should be helping to make his life as carefree as possible. And whatever problems HE faces... I should be right there to help. But he always asks me... why can't he help me with MY problems. I honestly don't have an answer for that. Anyone? Where does that come from within me? I gotta work this stuff out.
But things are in motion... slowly moving from Y to Z.
