There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
For once in a long while, it's exactly how I feel. Really relaxed and rested. After being up at 4 in the AM to work tirelessly for the man on Friday, my brother "treated" (meaning I have to pay him back on Friday) me to Deborah's and I had my first Mind Eraser -- which wasn't so bad... but I did take it incredibly slow and drank lots of water and ate lots of ice (which is my new obsession, in case you didn't know... don't have a glass of ice between us at a meal... our conversation will sink into the background as I scheme ways to get at the ice in your glass). So -- erase, it didn't. but relax - sure did. Funny thing about being THAT exhausted... I yearn for things that will exhaust me more. Like... nothing would have been more perfect than to get tipsy and then lay there while my baby had his way with me and then drift off into a glorious sleep. But he was busy friday night and i didn't have the energy to drag myself through the streets just to get home. So I took it easy ... watched some movies and fell asleep. And stayed asleep a long time. Woke up on Saturday around noon and called my baby who announced that he'd be here by 2:00. So I showered and made myself smell and feel really good -- put my pjs back on and waited for him. He came through the door with lunch (my breakfast) and we ate... he caught the itis and we slept.
Glorious, quiet, protected, wrapped in his arms, nothing could hurt me now, i can sleep forever like I don't have a real job sleep. For like... 3 hours.
It was WONDERFUL. He wasn't rushing anywhere... his day was to be mine. That's all. And I didn't have a place to go except to face him or to spoon with him. Those were my only directions. At around 8 or so we woke up and just dallied around the room. I swear we didn't do a damned thing... and it was just what I needed... not to worry about the millions of things I was worrying about. Not return calls. Not be pressed to go anywhere. Just lay there and be in my baby's arms. He left around midnight and I thought from having such a lazy day, that it would be tough for me to get to sleep. NOPE. I fell RIGHT OUT. And woke up this morning around 9:00... with auntie promptly kicking my ass. As she has been all day.
I planted myself at the computer and tried to squeeze out as much work as I could. I did alright. Could've done better but I set myself up to get a LOT more done in the coming days / weeks.
And now I'm ready to do battle with my demons once again. It feels like it'll be a LONG week... but sometimes... those go the fastest.
