There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Untitled Freedom This is how I feel the world's heartbeat best... Through the mellow jazziness of these humming baselines and highhats and rimshots. I feel very hip and cool and can you dig it...yeah cat daddy. And free. Like knowing I should always feel this way, ridin' shotgun in ur ragtop breezin along the coastline.
(that's been sitting in my palm pilot for a long time. I'm doing some data spring cleaning)
So... this love thing...
It's tricky.
Because... after you've allowed yourself to fall into it and be caressed by it... angered by it, saddened by it, numb to it, excited by it, bored of it, yearning for it and one day you feel like you can get used to it -- you end up sitting there on a saturday afternoon looking at the man you love sleep... and not being able to fathom life without him. Not quite sure what it was like before him... and as far as you can see into the future, you'll always be right there watching him sleep.
And you can't have it any other way. Like imagining living without air.
You don't even want to think about the days beyond the days you can see in your mind where one day, you may not be able to be there... or he may not be able to be there. Because... you can't see life that way.
I told him one day... "We're gonna have to time when we get off this mudball. Because I can't spend too much time with out you right here. We got here within 4 days of each other... and I'm sure it's because I ran after you from the last life. We'll just keep that pattern, okay?"
He laughs at me a lot and looks at me like "crazy girl". But I mean it. I don't even want that "till death do us part" crap in our vows. There is existence beyond this. I know that. And I'll be there waiting for him. Or vice versa.
