There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
HAPPY NEW YEAR to all! I hope that this year is the culmination of dreams realized, wishes granted and hopes fulfilled. I hope you find new ways to please yourself and thusly pleasing those around you. I pray for a sense of direction, a willingness to succeed and the ambition and drive to achieve for all of you.
I've ceased making resolutions. Nor do I do special things only at Advent, etc. I just go into each year knowing that it HAS to be better than last year. There's no such thing as a year that was too tough -- because if I came out on the other side alive to tell the story... It HAD to be good. So... here's to the best year of my life, starting today.
Child Like
I'm noticing a great ability I have that could also be viewed as a bit of a curse and makes me a little bit of a paraiah sometimes. I am childlike still in many ways that folks gave up. Maybe they lost it with their innocence or maybe even with their skepticism. But I manage to hold on to a great deal of childlike ways. My Line Sister Jenny says that one childlike way I have about me is to forgive and renew friendships that in her opinion perhaps didn't deserve a second chance. Of course I know that I never, ever, ever, ever FORGET the trespasses. But I forgive. And maybe... close of that part of me that was offended to that person so that they'll not have an opportunity to hurt me that way again. So in a sense they do lose out a little. But I forgive. Because we all make mistakes.
Another childlike way I have about me is that much to the opposition of the fatigue that I usually feel, I seem to have an unlimited amount of energy. When it snows outside, I can't WAIT to go play in it and have a snowball fight with someone... anyone. And just play and laugh for hours. This was a great ability to have when I was a child and surrounded myself with children. But now as an adult... everyone around me is... TIRED. Broken down... legs are hurtin, knees are achin, backs can't take it... and maybe that's worn away at their will to have fun. Because they know the aches that will come with it. When Earl and I were in DC for New Years (PICTURES HERE) they had a cocktail hour before the gala where they were teaching line dancing (NOT like country western line dancing -- but more like the chacha slide and the booty call). I almost broke my neck getting to the dance floor and danced and danced and danced. I felt it a little bit later because, not so much my knees, as the muscles around them were aching. But I sucked it up and put on my dancing shoes and went down and was ready to cut a rug for the New Year. We did a little, but Earl's knees got the best of him (he has arthritis in them, so I can't even say that he would shrug the pain away). Then on Tuesday, J took me to see ?uestLove as DJ at S.O.B.s which was OH MY GOD SO GOOD I DANCED AND DANCED!!!!! And I really could have danced alllll night. I didn't even feel remotely tired. But J had a tough day and had to get up early and was feelin' a little run down. I always feel like I pout so hard when I get pulled away from stuff I like to do. And that's when I feel the kid in me. Cause I probably did the same thing as a 10 year old. Or as a 5 year old. I'm much too old to hang out with the kids that have as much energy as I do... but I'm WAY too young to hang out with the crowd that's on the slow down. I'm a 'Tween... I guess. I just don't want to lose my will to always do and feel and jump and run and catch snowflakes on my tongue and play in the rain if I don't HAVE to be dry for something and count red cars in the street or play eye spy or look for rainbows or notice fun clouds in the sky or dance until i'm out of breath just to dance some more... All these things still bring me joy beyond what words can express.
Jealous of Myself
So I've been bad on the Blog tip. No, it's not been enormous amounts of time between the last blogs and now... but letting 6 or 7 days go by to me feels like an eternity. The fact of the matter is that I've simply not thought of sitting down long enough for me to write anything down. A million entries go through my head and I wish to write them all down but nothing usually.
Then today, i was talking with Caz and he asked me if I still write. I knew I had written some poems down in the blog so I went back a couple of weeks to pick out my Pusher poem and even further back to pick out my Chocolate Crush verse. And I sat there reading back on my more regular entries and marveled. I was admiring my own writing. Then feeling jealous of the me that would have time to string thoughts together long enough too make a story, or a complete string of consciousness. I guess it was the impetus for me sitting down long enough tonight to empty out my head. I love my blog... I do. I just have to start making more time for me and less time for things that will NOT last a lifetime. Or at least, not last MY lifetime. I recognize what those things are already... and it's time to move from them -- swiftly.
