There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
A- wake at the office... I'm gonna get myself to work now...
Well... it's an irrelevant reference if you didn't grow up with 90's / early millennium hip hop. But... the fact of the matter is that I'm awake at 4:00 AM and it's PITCH black outside... but I'm ready to go out in it so I can prepare to stand there with a video camera for a live broadcast that we're doing. Yep. I'm a videographer now. Not.
Luckily I tend to look my age... and act younger. But today I woke up and looked in the mirror and had bags under my eyes. I usually NEVER have bags under my eyes (i mean... can you imagine the size of bags that would need to host MY eyes? It'd be like... garbage bags LOL!!!!) It's not that I'm being incentivized for this. No one is paying me more or offering me more of a position of growth for this. My boss said, well SOMEONE (read: I'm lookin at YOU bitch) needs to do it. And so, here I am, lotioning up at 4:30 AM. I'm glad I woke up in time. I really hope I'm not in bed dreaming that I've woken up and showered and now blogging while I get dressed. That has happened to me many times before and OHHH what a feeling when you wake up realizing that you haven't done a thing, you've lost about an hour of prep time and god forbid you dream of going to the bathroom -- not so much a dream.
Prayer Request I'm going through some things, people. One thing in particular, I'm not at liberty to discuss widely because I don't all know what the repercussions of that are. I just have to say that I was taught a while ago, that when you're nearing a goal, chances are the biggest most cumbersome obstacles await moments before the reaching of said goal. And it's really the gauntlet for a lot of people. Your heart and your passion determines whether or not you'll realize the goal. In slightly more religious terms, it's the Devil trying to steal my joy. Because if I don't have that, I'll have no fuel to press on and achieve my goal. Thusly, him keeping me in a bad place, thinking bad things and ultimately doing badness. We've all had some gauntlets in our lives. I always remember one in particular. Trying to get from point Y to point Z (after sweating through and passing levels A - X...) but somehow... MORE trial was waiting at the end. Bigger adversity. Mental anguish. Pain. Suffering. But keeping my head down and pushing through all of it... in an instant -- redemption. Peace. The end of my travel. The relaization of my goal.
I had to remind myself of my own quote. Fear and Faith. Yeah. Sometimes is VERY hard to implement. It's so easy to fear. It's so natural. It is completely unnatural to know that everything will be okay when all signs point to otherwise. But that's what I have to do. I have to be completely confident that I'll come out victorious. Because I will. I have no time for fear of the unknown or the negative possibility.
*sigh* I'm pep talkin myself like a MUGG!!!!! But if y'all do pray or meditate to a higher being or the glorious energy that is the universe- please send an extra one up for this sistah right here. Doesn't have to be specific. "God - just don't let her give up on her dream." I'm sure he'll take care of the rest.
