There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
Sometimes, I'm convinced that I'll never get to blog again.. And I know now more than ever the reason that I started to -- these little mini blogs have been rolling around in my head taking up a very certain space that could be being used for other things. So the following is what I can remember of the goings on of the last 10 days.
WORK
Sucks. I'm on a mental probation of sorts and the things that are being said and done to me are the types of things said and done in an attempt to push me out. Which I guess I can understand or not or whatever... I guess I just don't care anymore. But I'm still there everyday trying my best not to ger pushed out. So maybe I do care? Really moreso about being able to pay these bills.
BLOGGERS
I went to what I affectionately refer to as the Bloggers' Convention 2 fridays ago and had dinner with Max, Clink, High Class Jackass, and WildKat along with a host of my brother's friends. I felt very un-fly at the event feeling overworked and under appreciated and having been woken up at 7:30 am by my boss that morning So it isn't exactly how i'd describe a great start. Plus when I got there, I couldn't stay long and my lack of long range hearing made it virtually impossible to be in all the convos... So Robin (WildKat) was nice enuff to a) keep me company, b) pay for dinner and c) keep me sane by accompanying me to work day part deux at the coat drive. Having her and my baby there made it much easier to get through the night which lasted till midnight (read: forever). I was happy though that I was able to meet folks face to face. I have to admit: the voice, tonality and attitude in their written word is subtly and drastically different from what I'd imagined. And it's funny that no matter what my imagination can come up with... God's is always more brilliant and exciting. I was glad to make new friends that night. They are WAY cool
THE 'RENTS
It's been mentioned to me that I no longer discuss situations at home. This is mostly due to the amount of hopelessness I am overwhelmed by when I do discuss it. In short, daddy's in chemo and has had 4 out of six recommended dosages. It is sapping his strength to the point where this man who used to go to bed at around 1 or 2 in the morning has been going to bed at 9 PM out of sheer exhaustion. He's been prone to fits of weakness where he loses his balance and falls (luckily none of them have been bad or injurious) or to fits of unconsciousness where he passes out on the toilet or in his lounge chair. To say that we watch him more carefully is an understatement. And it's me watching because mom really can't. I have to ration out between the two of them who will get the cane and who will get the walker atany given time. Mom had a fit of laughter the first time it happened... But I watched carefully because I thought that she may cry. But thank God: they are still alive and still mobile and coherent.
THE LOVE
The vow is going strong and we've hit a bump or two here and there but the love is everpresent and our lines of comm open up more and more every day. He's definitely working on himself and I'm loving the progress we're making: together and as individuals.
More progress to come about the Wedding and the House.... I just didn't want folks to think I'm dead...
