There is a mental state
I strive to achieve a homeostatic state a humming a lull like those alpha wave tapes they sold in the 60's
I need to hear that in my head all day. Instead of the clanging of my thoughts and the clashing of my
wants versus what I should do need to do and the sad, bright violins from "Sunshine" so melancholy
so consistent that remind me how it is not to have anyone understand
"oh yeah... life goes on long after the thrill of livin' is gone..." John C. Mellencamp
Last night, I felt myself truly living IN the moment. I've not been able to do that in a while. When I'm enjoying something, I always think ahead to when that moment itself will be a memory and I try to remember everything that's happening so I will always be able to have it. Last night was the KAPsi BLI Dinner Dance. The same event that one year ago, my sweetie asked me to marry him and I said yes with every breath. We dressed in all black and rhinestones (and of course The Precious) and we headed out to the venue. No pomp and circumstance this year -- no new dress, even though D tried VERY hard to help me get something together. No fancy hair style. Just me and my dancin' shoes and him and his very nice tux (that I help put together, by the way).
Walking in, I did feel mediocre in comparison to all the gowns and beautousness that were around because, it's a Black Tie affair and I just wore a cocktail dress. And despite what society is like now, being raised by my mom and grandma was like a 24 hour charm school. So I know what's expected of me and all my knives and forks and little spoons. So... once I got past that feeling, I was able to sit back with my very un-nervous baby (in comparison to last year) and have a good time. He was in his element: socializing with his frat, smiling, the big man on campus and I was his girl. He asked me to dance often and he made sure my glass of wine stayed full (much to my surprise -- he doesn't like when I drink). After enough sweating out my perm on the dance floor, we sang my every favorite Sweetheart song. *sigh* I think I automatically revert to a 4 year old when I hear that song and I'm giggling and singing along and just in total ecstasy. And he finds it all very amusing and I get him to laugh and show me that smile that I fell in love with. Then it was time for the random dances and strolling to begin and I watched my normally reserved baby step it on out in his style. One of his frat commented that his demeanor regularly and his attitude on the dance floor when he's stepping are COMPLETELY different. I couldn't have said it better myself. When he's on that stroll line... damn. I watch him go around the whoooooooole way. He is captivating and confident and on pace and sexual. Woo! *fans self*
Then after we sat down we watched many 60 and 70 and 80 year old couples dance with each other like they were still in high school. Still in love. Still excited. And for a moment I glimpsed forward to when we're 80 and maybe a little less able... but still together and still in love. And I felt full and happy and at peace. And I looked into his eyes and he asked me to marry him again. And I asked him if he was sure he wanted to be stuck with me. He responded there's no place he'd rather be... and I floated.
Seems like the changes after 16 don't have to rob the thrill. It's there as long as you want it -- as long as you stay excited about it. And it seems like I get moreso every day.
